Heap Talk
Welcome to another edition of What The What, the podcast in which I interview some of the more unique personalities in our society. I’m Blane Walker. For the next few weeks I’m going to be speaking with superheroes, those folks with powers beyond the normal. This week we’re chatting with the Heap. We’re here in Portland chatting with her by phone in Newside, Louisiana.
Blane – Hello the Heap! Do you mind if I call you that?
The Heap – I prefer Isabeau. DJ Izzy works too.
Blane – Isabeau Bienvenu was your name before you became the Heap, yes?
The Heap – Isabeau Bienvenu is still my name. I’m still me. I’m just … transistioned into the body of some plant monster thing.
Blane – Okay. Isabeau, how did you become the Heap?
The Heap – I died. I think. It’s kind of complicated. It involved witchcraft and forgotten gods and forbidden tomes and all kinds of crap that I wish I’d paid more attention to before it happened. Also, I was drunk so some of the particulars are fuzzy. My old human body is gone and my spirit, my consciousness, drives this new body.
Blane – It’s not really a new body is it, though? The Heap has been around fighting evil since World War Two.
The Heap – I guess. My nieces have done more research on this thing’s history than I have. I’d never heard of it before I became it. I was more into music history than military history, superhero history, whatever.
Blane – Weren’t you in the Air Force?
The Heap – Yeah. Yeah. But the history you learn in the service doesn’t cover supernatural entities. At least the history I got didn’t. Maybe there’s a secret branch that covers this stuff. I don’t know. A German pilot was the first Heap. Baron Von Emmelman. He died in World War One. The Heap formed around his body after his plane crashed in a Polish swamp. Then there was guy named Jeremiah Carter in the Fifties and another guy, Jesus Robertson in the Seventies. Their memories are in here somewhere. I can read them if I try but it’s kind of weird and too easy to get lost so I generally avoid it.
Blane – The other Heaps were all silent. How are you able to talk to us?
The Heap – My niece and one of her friends figured out a way to hook up a speaker with my mulch so I can form words. It’s pretty cool. She’s currently working on a way to use recordings of my old voice so that I can sound like my old self. The current voice is off the shelf. We’re working our way through all the recordings I’ve got of my old radio show to create a vocabulary.
Blane – It’s not what I expected. I know you are a woman but I expected the Heap to sound like Vin Diesel.
The Heap – I know, right? Or a death metal singer. I’ve gotten a lot of double takes when people hear this voice.
Blane – What’s it like to be a superhero?
The Heap – That’s such a weird question. I get it all the time but I don’t know how to answer it. I’m not a superhero. I don’t fight crime or save the world or anything. I definitely don’t wear a costume. I don’t even wear clothes. Sometimes I wear a hat.but someone has to pin it on my head.
Blane – Oh come on. I’ve read the stories. You’ve fought vampires. There was a Nazi golem. That alligator monster.
The Heap – Life is a lot weirder now but I’ve still got regular boring responsibilities. I’ve got three kids to look after. The cat still wants to be fed at 3 am. The strange supernatural stuff is just life. I don’t go looking for it.
Blane – What’s the …
The Heap – Hold on Blane. I’ve got a call coming in from the sheriff. I have to take this.
Blane – No problem I can edit out the break if necessary.
…..
The Heap – I’m back but I have to go. Some dumbass drunk tourist knocked down a telephone pole and the sheriff wants me to move it off the road. Being superstrong means I get asked to move heavy things.
Blane – Thanks for talking with us Isabeau. Hopefully we’ll be able to continue this conversation at a later date.
The Heap – I’d like that. Bye all!
